As part of Finding Kathy Brown, I try to include personal stories that other women may relate with. Today’s post is a personal one, but one I felt necessary to share. A few months ago I found out that I was going to undergo a complete hysterectomy. I immediately started my online research and talked with individuals I knew had gone through this same procedure. What researching did not tell me is the overwhelming sadness that I would feel about my hysterectomy.
It’s hard for me to explain why I felt a complete sense of loss. This emotion seemed to come out of nowhere and hit me immediately once I learned of the news. I almost felt guilty for feeling sad, after all I have two wonderful children and at 48 years old I certainly was not planning on having more. My female parts were useless to me now and after years of unbearable menstrual cycles I should have been jumping for joy.
In an unexplainable way I equated my female reproductive parts with my being a woman. Would I still be a woman? Would I still be desirable to my husband? I pondered these silly questions and cried many a tear believing these questions to be true. I have written lighthearted articles in the past about the aging process and believed I was comfortable with the passage of time. I wrote these articles as a progressive strong woman not afraid to age. Yet the idea of having a hysterectomy made me feel old as if a chapter of my life was closing. After the tears and procedure came a constant joke that was really my own attempt to create happiness. I would tell my husband or anyone who would listen, ” do I look the same without my uterus?” Well of coarse I did… Behind the joke there were still unwanted emotion.
It is now six weeks post surgery and I am finally starting to realize that it is not my parts that make me a woman. I am a woman because of my heart and soul. The way I feel everyday- that I am blessed for every breath I take – for the experiences still in my future – for the love of my husband and family. Most importantly who I am and the fact that I am still finding Kathy Brown.